Do you trust me yet?

Recently, I have begun to struggle pretty intensely with controlling my thought life. I think ALL the time. As part of the blessing of being a child of an OCD mom (love you!) and an analytical engineering father (he makes pro/con charts for like every major decision) I never stop thinking. It is a good thing in lots of ways, but it makes mind control very very difficult. My filter has trouble keeping up! Now, I know in the past I have limited this controlling your mind to "evil" thoughts- such as "I want to kill him", or "Man, his sure does have a hot body."-not that I have ever thought those exact ones ;-) But these are not the primary ones I struggle with at all. I struggle WAY more with those little foxes like daydreaming, playing out a conversation or fantasy of what it will be like "some day", negative body image or self image thoughts, etc. I know that these are not at all healthy for me. In the bigger picture, if I am so self absorbed in my own fantasies and thoughts, how in the world can I be actively a part of the battle for the kingdom of our God? This is what I have been pondering the past few months. So, I was pretty convicted it had to change. I have now realized- WAY easier said than done. I really do want freedom from this. I want to be active, engaged and alive every second. I hate that I waste moments wrapped up in myself....and then BOOM this thought comes and minutes pass when I am wrapped up in analyzing the situation, relationships, or whatever. So, this has been driving me crazy. And as an analyzer I analyze the problem to death too. Well yesterday I was discussing this with a close friend and they said, "Maybe it is a trust issue." My mental response was "You have GOT to be kidding me!" I have just come off a year of hammering out lack of trust...isn't that enough? Well, I passed this advice off because to me, it is a self discipline issue, which the Holy Spirit has also confirmed but this blog is about trust so I am going to stay on track. Anyway, today I was reading Streams in the Desert and it said the most amazing thing:

"If Peter was ever going to walk on the water he had to walk, but if he was going to swim to Jesus, he had to swim. He could not do both. If a bird is going to fly, it must stay away from fences and trees, trusting the buoyancy of its wings. And if it tries to stay within easy reach of the ground, it will never fly very well. -A.B. Simpson

Whoa! I was floored. Bringing back to my present situation. I am as ridiculous as a bird desiring to fly but staying really close to the ground, just in case the wings fail. What would be cooler, to walk on water or to swim? Walk on water of course! Instead, I choose to swim to Jesus, battling waves of destructive thoughts and almost drowning in them before he reaches out to save me. I realized, He doesn't want me to swim and fight THROUGH the thoughts he wants me to rise above them completely. For when I am "fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he has promised" (Rom. 4:21) I can rise above those thoughts with complete trust they are being taken care of. Let go...

Well, it is a journey, and I have a suspicion that I won't have some kind of super Eureka moment and then poof the problem is gone. I have learned Jesus isn't really into magic..although he is into miracles. But I do know that he has called me to a greater freedom. I do know that he won't leave me the same. I do rejoice that the best is still yet to come.

Lose control....
I'm losing control of this.
I've been balancing on suspended pianos
And trying to appear composed.
It makes the loudest noise when they begin to crash.
With eyes on me I force a laugh

You come to me..
And set me free.